An 8-inch grip on a 10 inch "Log",
We call that Constipation,
A two-inch grip on a ten inch "Job",
Now that is pure Desperation.
Being rid of a ten-day "Bung",
That is cause for much Elation,
Managing not to soil yourself,
Further grounds for Celebration.
A "turdlette" that's six inches or less,
Gets a Mention for Participation,
Anything over five pounds or more,
May cause Hyperventilation.
Any "monster" that's crusty and dry,
May call for some Embrocation,
But any attempt that's part of a Shart,
Calls for instant Disqualification.
Dropping a bomb before the start,
Will score as Miscommunication,
Something long, glowing and green,
Might be Nuclear Proliferation.
Everyone is free to Enter,
Our policy is Desexualisation
If called puerile for playing with Poop,
We regard this as Infantilization.
Sending Entries by package or post,
Comes under Preregistration,
Holy Shit! If it's got fangs and horns,
Urgently needs Excommunication.
If it's far too big to easily pass,
The Doctor may call for Ablation,
And if you've no grip on 10" Wonder,
Pray the train is not at the Station.
Straining for hours, and hours on end,
That scores as pure Dedication,
If after which your bum is still sore,
That will require some Medication.
Calling for judges and a tape measure,
Might just be Overspeculation,
If the door paint smoulders and peels,
Your next for Decontamination.
If your "effort's" 10 inches or more,
And writes its own Dissertation,
You're listed as a "Smart Arse",
And receive a Commendation.
Dropping one that's waving a flag,
You must be very proud of your Nation,
Pushing and pushing but failing pass,
That's listed as total Frustration.
After the final contestant has "Been",
The bars open for Inebriation,
Now that you’re free to flatulate,
Just be cautious of Inhalation.
Every "Turdist" both young and old,
Wishes to thank the Administration,
We all look forward to next years,
All comers Festival of Defecation.
